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Vol 60: Issue 36

American Voices

Venezuelan President Declares Christmas In October

Venezuela’s authoritarian leader Nicolás Maduro decreed that Christmas will start Oct. 1 in the country, the announcement coming as Venezuela grapples with the fallout from…
News

Tips For Growing Your TikTok Following

Despite its looming U.S. ban, TikTok continues to grow in popularity, with over 1 billion active monthly users across the globe. The Onion shares tips for growing…
News

New Antigravity Hover Shoes Protect Dogs’ Paws From Anything Within 6 Inches Of Ground

NEW YORK—Catering to consumers whose dogs have an aversion to outdoor surfaces, pet accessory brand Wild One unveiled new antigravity hover shoes Friday designed to…
News

Raygun’s Apology To Breakdancing Community Sparks Outrage From Apology Community

SYDNEY—In an outpouring of criticism in which the expression of remorse was disparaged as an affront to the art form, Olympian Rachael Gunn’s apology to…
American Voices

ADHD Drugmaker To Ease Ongoing Shortage By Increasing Production

The Drug Enforcement Administration increased the production limit for Takeda Pharmaceutical’s ADHD drug Vyvanse and its generic versions by about 24% to address the medicine’s…
Local

Dad Not Leaving This Mini Golf Hole Until Son Shows Him Some Good Form

LOVES PARK, IL—Firm in his refusal to move on to the next tee until his standards had been met, area dad Greg Nevins announced Thursday…

Entertainment

Joey Chestnut Eats Entire Cast Of ‘Stranger Things’ In Under 10 Minutes

LAS VEGAS—In a triumphant victory over longtime rival Takeru Kobayashi during a live-streamed Netflix special, competitive eater Joey Chestnut reportedly ate the entire cast of Stranger…
Local

Switchblade-Wielding Subway Rider Locked In Standoff With Penis-Wielding Subway Rider

CHICAGO—Sending commuters into a panic, a switchblade-wielding subway rider was reportedly locked in a tense standoff Thursday with a penis-wielding rider. “As soon as the…
News

What To Know About MDMA Therapy

Supporters of MDMA therapy say the treatment eases the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, producing lifesaving results for groups such as veterans. Here is what…
News

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

WINDER, GA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Georgia in which a lone attacker killed at least four individuals and injured nine others, citizens…
Local

Paralyzed High School Quarterback Praised As Hero For Not Suing

DAVENPORT, IA—Lauded for his courage and good cheer even in the face of adversity, local high school quarterback Brett Modine, who was paralyzed during a…
News

Cautious Study Finds Whatever Everyone Else Found

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Largely conforming with the preexisting research on the subject, a cautious study published Wednesday by researchers at Harvard University found whatever everyone else found. “After…

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