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Vol 60: Issue 36

Politics

David Muir: ‘Yes, My Penis Is As Beautiful As You Think. Now Let’s Start The Debate.’
Politics

ABC Budget Cuts Force Producers To Reuse Set From ‘General Hospital’ As Debate Stage
Politics

‘So, Which One’s Yours?’ Asks Doug Emhoff Trying To Make Small Talk With Melania Backstage

PHILADELPHIA—Pointing proudly while his wife took the lectern at the presidential debate, Doug Emhoff reportedly asked “So, which one’s yours?” while trying to make small…
American Voices

Dick Cheney To Vote For Harris

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, a lifelong Republican, announced he will vote for Kamala Harris for president, claiming that, “In our nation’s 248-year history, there…
Politics

Trump Trains For Debate By Arguing With Side Of Beef Hanging In Meat Locker

PHILADELPHIA—Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was reportedly training for the presidential debate Tuesday by arguing…
Cartoons

Unloading At College

Local

Husband Files For Divorce After DNA Test Reveals Child Only Shares Half His Genes

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife’s infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the…
Local

Man Gets Triple Bypass Reversed After Deciding He Wants Third Heart Attack

DAYTON, OH—Calling the first two “rough, but ultimately worth it,” local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding…
American Voices

Right-Wing Influencers Covertly Funded By Russia

The Justice Department accused Russia of using unwitting right-wing influencers—including well-known personalities such as Tim Pool, Dave Rubin, and Benny Johnson—in its quest to amplify…
Local

Man Can’t Believe What A Dumbass Cartoon Character Is

PUNTA GORDA, FL—Expressing bafflement at the amount of plainly idiotic behavior he was witnessing, local man Tobias Coffey stated Monday that he could not understand…
Local

Cybertruck Owner Brags About High-Tech Pedal That Makes Vehicle Accelerate When Pressed

LOS ANGELES—Praising the latest of the car’s bleeding-edge features that felt like they came from the future, Cybertruck owner Anselm Hart bragged to friends Monday…
Local

Phone Manually Turned Off With Intensity Of Mobster Smothering Witness With Pillow

CINCINNATI—In an act that demonstrated a singularly cold-blooded focus, 32-year-old Andrew Thompson reportedly turned off his phone Monday with the intensity of a mobster smothering…

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