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Politics

Politics

Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life

WASHINGTON—In a move that ignited numerous media firestorms expected to last for several news cycles, the GOP provided a distraction from the Epstein files controversy…
Politics

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Kash Patel

As questions mount over his handling of the Epstein files and other high-profile investigations, FBI Director Kash Patel testified before Congress Wednesday in a contentious…
Politics

Gavin Newsom, Kristi Noem Nod Silently To Each Other In Plastic Surgeon’s Office
Politics

Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel

WASHINGTON—Flipping through all of the options for the sixth time in a row as the clock approached 1 a.m., a bored President Donald Trump reportedly…
Politics

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

LONDON—Claiming that he recognized the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the…

Politics

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Gavin Newsom

Gov. Gavin Newsom has gained increasing national attention for targeting President Donald Trump in the media, reportedly boosting his national standing as the unofficial Democratic…
Politics

Trump Renames White House Fridge Department Of Ham

WASHINGTON—Fulfilling his pledge to realign the mission of the White House kitchen with the vision of the Founding Fathers, President Donald Trump signed an executive…
Politics

Trump: ‘Political Violence Has No Place In My Inner Circle’
Politics

Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters

WASHINGTON—Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President…
Politics

DOGE Employees Dig Up Arlington National Cemetery

ARLINGTON, VA—In an initiative they described as a vital part of their effort to cut federal spending, officials at the Department of Government Efficiency reported…
Politics

Stephen Miller’s Forehead Vein Lunges Out To Catch Passing Bird

Politics

Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child’s School Lunch

WASHINGTON—After entering a school cafeteria in D.C. and wrenching a brown paper bag from the hands of a small child, U.S. senators and representatives taunted…
Politics

RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism

WASHINGTON—Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous…
Politics

Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet

WASHINGTON—Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump boys reportedly begged their father Tuesday to…
Politics

Rudy Giuliani Awarded Presidential Medal Of Incest

WASHINGTON—Lauded as a generational advocate for sexual contact between relatives, former New York City mayor and man who married his cousin Rudy Giuliani was awarded…
Politics

Trump Aides Unsure Why Spalding Making Such Generous PAC Donations

WASHINGTON—Grateful but confused by the unexpected windfall of financial support, top aides to President Donald Trump were reportedly confused Wednesday after his super PAC received…
Politics

White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body

WASHINGTON—As they called attention to his alarmingly sallow complexion and rapidly deteriorating brain function, White House officials sought to quell speculation Monday over the bruising…

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