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Vol 50: Issue 48

Sports

No One At CBS Remembers Hiring O.J. Simpson As Color Commentator

NEW YORK—Claiming that their hiring protocol for on-air talent is usually very meticulous, sources at CBS confirmed Sunday that no one within the network can…
Sports

Brandon Marshall Remains Hospitalized With Collapsed Ego
Sports

Wife Kept Up All Night By Kevin Garnett Talking Trash In Sleep

NEW YORK—Saying she has still not grown accustomed to the irritating habit despite being married to the Brooklyn Nets power forward for a decade, Brandi…
Sports

Fantasy Football Week 14: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:
News

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive…
Dispatch, News

Pope Rummaging Through Vatican Basement For Plastic Nativity Scene Figures

VATICAN CITY—Hoping to have all his holiday decorations up by the weekend, His Holiness Pope Francis has spent the past two hours rummaging through the…

Local

Man’s Family Rises To Record-High Fourth Priority

WALTHAM, MA—After years of its climbing no higher than the ninth slot, sources confirmed Friday that area man Alan Stokes’ family rose to the 48-year-old’s…
Local

High School Band Teacher Spends 85% Of Rehearsal Hammering In Dress Code For Holiday Concert

SAN JOSE, CA—Emphasizing the importance of his instructions by raising his voice and repeating crucial points, Leland High School band teacher Jeff Amos reportedly spent…
News, News In Photos

National Archives Clearly Stored Constitution In Three-Ring Binder
Entertainment, Magazine

The Best Bands You’ve Never Heard Of And We Refuse To Tell You About
Sports

Jay Cutler Disappears Into Folds Of Winter Coat
Local

Wrinkle-Free Pants Didn't Think They'd Be Tested Quite This Much

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