Vol 50: Issue 48

Local

Disheartened Man Expected At Least One Text While Checking Phone After Flight

BALTIMORE—Expressing frustration over the lack of any new text notifications on his phone, disheartened Southwest Airlines passenger Shawn Woods confirmed Thursday that he had expected…
News

Police Officer Demonstrates Proper Technique For Subduing Grand Jury

NEW YORK—Saying that the maneuver was 100 percent effective if administered correctly, police captain Matthew Carlson demonstrated the proper technique for subduing a grand jury…
Sports

Barry Sanders Figures It His Turn To Pull Stint As Mentor For One Of League’s Fuckups

WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI—Saying that he has generally avoided taking on the responsibility during his retirement, Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders told reporters Thursday…
American Voices, Opinion

Study: Humans Have Been Drinking Alcohol For 10 Million Years

A new study has found that human ancestors evolved the enzymes necessary to break down ethanol and become tipsy about 10 million years ago, much…
Entertainment, Time Killers

How Are We Getting Into The Holiday Spirit?
Dispatch, News

World Leaders Gather To Discuss How Fucking Amazing Running A Country Is

ZURICH—Arriving from around the world for a three-day political summit, the highest-ranking government officials from over 190 nations have gathered in Zurich this week for…

Local

Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker

VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and…
News

Obama Calls For Turret-Mounted Video Cameras On All Police Tanks

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the public’s faith in law enforcement, President Obama made an impassioned appeal this week, calling for the installation of turret-mounted…
American Voices, Opinion

Study: Majority Of College Students Don’t Graduate On Time

A new report released this week stated that even though college is traditionally viewed as taking four years to complete, only 19 percent of undergraduate…
News

Cosby Lawyer Asks Why Accusers Didn’t Come Forward To Be Smeared By Legal Team Years Ago

LOS ANGELES—Responding to recent allegations that his client sexually assaulted as many as 20 women over the course of his career, an attorney for comedian…
Local

12-Year-Old’s Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament

TAUNTON, MA—Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the year’s most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffman’s Christmas…
Sports

Ray Rice Hoping 3.1 Yards Per Carry Last Season Won’t Deter Teams From Signing Him

BALTIMORE—Saying that his past shortcomings shouldn’t necessarily be held against him indefinitely, former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice told reporters Wednesday that he just…