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Vol 49: Issue 49

Entertainment

The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2013
Big Games, Sports

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do…
Sports

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:
Local

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping…
Commentary, Opinion

Every Parent’s Worst Nightmare Is Losing A Child To Gorchul, The Dark Sorcerer Of Time

As a parent, worrying is second nature. You’re constantly afraid that something could go wrong. Your child could get sick, or get in an accident,…
Entertainment

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of…

Sports

Roger Goodell Carefully Considering Every Comment On NFL.com Message Boards

NEW YORK—Admitting that he was thankful to have such a valuable resource at his disposal, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell revealed Thursday that he continues to…
Sports

EA Releases Alternate ‘Madden 25’ Cover Featuring Brett Favre’s Penis
American Voices, Opinion

Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons…
American Voices, Opinion

NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones

According to an investigation by The Washington Post, the National Security Agency is currently tracking the locations of hundreds of millions of cell phones worldwide…
News

Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed

JOHANNESBURG—Following the death of former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela today at the age of 95, sources confirmed that the revered…
Dispatch, News

Grisly Remains Of 15 Hobbits Discovered In Peter Jackson’s Attic

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—In an appalling incident that has sent shockwaves through the surrounding community, authorities confirmed Thursday that the decayed, dismembered remains of 15 missing…

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