Vol 49: Issue 49

Sports

Nobody At University Of Alabama Caught Saturday’s Game

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Vaguely claiming they had “some stuff to do on Saturday,” every single person at the University of Alabama reportedly missed this past weekend’s stunning…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 3, 2013

Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn. The throbbing inside your…
News

New Report Shows Many U.S. Businesses Actually Just Fronts For Moneymaking Operations

WASHINGTON—Dealing in millions of paper bills and electronic payments every year, often in plain sight, thousands of U.S. businesses that provide clothing, food services, home…
Local

Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone

TULSA, OK—A poster for “Halloweiner Frankfest 2013” seen today on the bulletin board of area coffee shop Corner Joe now stands as an artifact of…
American Voices, Opinion

Amazon Testing Drone Delivery Service

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos recently revealed that the online retailer has been experimenting with a new drone-based delivery method called Amazon Prime Air, in which…
Entertainment

Bizarre Sci-Fi Novel Posits World Where Natives Inhabited America Before Europeans

NEW YORK—In a riveting, if slightly far-fetched, work of alternate history that fans of science fiction are bound to enjoy, author Judith Nies’ novel Native…

Local

Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God

RAPID CITY, SD—Saying he had been very hard on himself recently over a series of small mistakes, local clinically insane man Isaac Whipple, 38, put…
News

‘What If We Put M&M’s On Top? Would They Eat That?’ Doritos Exec Wonders Out Loud

PLANO, TX—At a meeting this morning with the snack brand’s research and development department, Frito-Lay Senior Vice President George Legge wondered aloud if people would…
News

Man Confidently Hits ‘Send’ On Worst Job Application Company Has Ever Seen

SAN FRANCISCO—After a quick yet confident once-over that unfortunately caught none of the rampant spelling errors, clunky prose, and overly casual language throughout his cover…
Cartoons, Opinion

The Most One-derful Time Of The Year
Infographic, News

What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas…
American Voices, Opinion

Cyber Monday Sales Projected To Top Records

Online analysts have projected that Cyber Monday sales will reach $2.27 billion this year, making it the highest online shopping day in the nation’s history.…