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Vol 30: Issue 17

Dispatch, News

Area Male Extroverted

PHILADELPHIA—At first glance, Randy Grebcyk appears to be like any other male. An associate underwriter for Mid-Atlantic Colonial Insurance, Grebcyk, 29, works a 40-hour week…
Entertainment

Barbra Streisand To Take Rare Public Dump

LOS ANGELES—Barbra Streisand fans worldwide are clamoring for tickets to the singer’s first public defecation since her sold-out Carnegie Hall dump in 1975. “This is…
News

All U.S. Males Renamed Dudley

WASHINGTON, DC—An emergency session of Congress rushed into passage Monday legislation changing the first names of all American males to Dudley. “Dudley is a great…
News

Goodyear Unveils New, Circular Tires

AKRON, OH—The Goodyear rubber company unveiled a brand new, perfectly round tire Monday, one that it says will replace all its earlier models of oval-shaped…
News

Bangladesh Runs Out Of People

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—A devastating typhoon claimed the lives of the final 290,000 people in Bangladesh Tuesday, reducing the Southeast Asian nation’s population to zero. “After countless…
News

Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

WILMINGTON, NC—In a rare case of violence-powered time travel, Wilmington resident Phil Zipper was smacked into this week by a forceful blow delivered by his…

Commentary, Opinion

I Fear Grass

Oh, infernal grass, how your greenness haunts me! You camouflage the most diseased of vermin—insects, rodents and children scamper freely in your expansive forests of…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. The…
Point/Counterpoint

The Packers Rule! vs. For 500 Years My People Have Been Tortured And Persecuted, Slaves In Our Own Land

Let me tell you this, my friend: The Green Bay Packers rule! Brett Favre, Reggie White and the boys are going all the way this…
Commentary, Opinion

It's Not A Crack House, It's A Crack Home

I’ll bet a day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear something negative about crack cocaine, and the people who love it. Well, it just…
Politics

Medical Marijuana

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to…
Commentary, Opinion

Buried Alive–Again!

Leave it to my loathsome, wastrel offspring, J. Phineas, to screw up once more! Yesterday morning, I woke up and everything was pitch black. Not…

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