Animals

News

Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a…
Entertainment

MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content

WASHINGTON—Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren’t prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assigned Zootopia 2 a PG-13 rating Tuesday…
Local

Horse Carefully Assesses Potential Mate For Also Being Horse

BELCHERTOWN, MA—Cautiously eyeing up a nearby mare in what barnyard sources described as a mixture of flirtation and guarded optimism, local horse Oatmeal reportedly took…
American Voices

‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia

Australian researchers identified a new species of native bee with tiny horn-like projections on the female’s face, prompting comparisons to a Satanic figure. What do…
Local

Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee

SEATTLE—In an effort that was intended to be subtle but was clearly targeted, local cat Arlo reportedly followed pet owner Joshua Rice around his apartment…
Sports

Dana White Can’t Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence

LAS VEGAS—Shaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggling cottontail from the canvas mat, UFC president Dana White expressed disbelief Friday that…

American Voices

Japan Deploys Troops To Combat Deadly Bear Attacks

Japan deployed troops into its northern rural regions to combat a surge in bear attacks that has already killed a record 12 people since April,…
News

EPA To Monarch Butterflies: ‘Count Your Fucking Days’

WASHINGTON—Amid a series of sudden actions overhauling landmark federal conservation regulations, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a public statement Friday warning monarch butterflies to “count…
News

God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion over the primate’s classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could…
Local

Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor

LOS ANGELES—Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials at a local animal shelter confirmed Thursday…
News

New Study Finds Elephants Mourn Cancellation Of Favorite TV Shows

NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding light on the animal’s compassionate nature and pop-culture savvy, a study published Wednesday in the journal Behavioral Ecology And Sociobiology found that elephants mourn…
Politics

‘Thank You For That Question,’ Responds Eric Adams To Swarm Of Rats He Forced To Act Out Debate

NEW YORK—Expressing gratitude for the opportunity to correct the record against his opponents, current New York City mayor and former candidate for reelection Eric Adams…