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Animals

Local

Inside Of Light Fixture Everything Moth Dreamed And More

MEREDITH, NH—Saying the luminous paradise had exceeded even its wildest expectations, a local moth told reporters Tuesday the inside of a light fixture was everything…
Politics

Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’

WASHINGTON—Suddenly appearing at the lectern after emerging from a hole in the floor, a limbless, slippery Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a White House…
Sports

Trump Attends Dogfighting Match

LAS VEGAS—Speaking enthusiastically about what he called “a beautiful sport,” President Donald Trump attended a match Monday for the Ultimate Dogfighting Championship. “That’s it, bite his…
American Voices

Cornell Students Skin, Butcher Dead Bear In Dorm

Two Cornell students killed a 120-pound black bear before bringing its carcass into a communal kitchen in their dormitory to skin and process it, with…
News

Raid Introduces New Bug Doxxing Kit

RACINE, WI—Saying the new product “attacks and intimidates pests right where they live,” popular insecticide brand Raid introduced its first-ever bug doxxing kit Tuesday. “Our complete…
News

Home Depot Garden Center Offering 1.5 Cubic Feet Of Squirrels

Politics

Stephen Miller’s Forehead Vein Lunges Out To Catch Passing Bird
Entertainment

Travis Kelce Asks If Wedding Can Be Shark Themed

LEAWOOD, KS—Lighting up as he outlined his vision for their special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancée Taylor Swift on…
News

Kim Jong-Un Arrives At Summit On Slow-Moving, Heavily Fortified Mule
News

CDC Director Arrives At Office To Find Dead Deer With ‘Fired’ Carved Into It
Local

Iguana Surprisingly Un-Chill
Local

Hummingbird Feels Like Fucking Idiot After Seeing Other Bird Gliding

SPRINGDALE, UT—Beating himself up over a lifetime of wasted energy, a local hummingbird confirmed Tuesday that he felt like a huge fucking idiot after he…

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