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Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex

SALT LAKE CITY—With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed…
Local

Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving
Entertainment

MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content

WASHINGTON—Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren’t prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assigned Zootopia 2 a PG-13 rating Tuesday…
Politics

RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism

WASHINGTON—Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous…
News

CDC Recommends Eating A Nice Crisp Shiny Apple Instead Of Having Unprotected Sex

ATLANTA—Claiming that the experience could provide as much satisfaction as unsafe sex, a new report released by the Centers for Disease Control this week recommends…
American Voices

Dutch Museum Displays 200-Year-Old Condom Made From Sheep Appendix

A 200-year-old illustrated condom will go on display with Dutch golden age masters in Amsterdam, after the 19th-century “luxury souvenir” became the first-ever contraceptive sheath…

News

New Alabama Law Requires Women To Leave Semen On Lower Back For 9 Months

MONTGOMERY, AL—Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law…
News

Cackling Hims CEO Threatens To Pull Switch Activating All World’s Erections At Once

SAN FRANCISCO—Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a…
News

STIs: Myth Vs. Fact

Sexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks the many misconceptions people have about STIs.…
Local

Orgasm Pretty Good
News

Texas Sex Ed Class Teaches Boys How To Cheat On Pregnant Wife

RICHARDSON, TX—In an effort to help his students one day navigate the harsh realities of an adult relationship, local sex ed teacher Robert Emerson reportedly…
News

Study: Gen Z Having Less Sex Due To Allure Of Leftovers At Home

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Reporting a steady decline in the amorous endeavors of young adults, a new study released Monday by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found…

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