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Leonardo DiCaprio Tears Fabric Of Universe Apart Attempting To Have Sex With Girl Not Yet Born

LOS ANGELES—With space and time ceasing to exist amid the actor’s cries of “Too old! Too old! They’re all too old,” Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly tore…
Entertainment

Things To Never Say While Sexting

While it can be fun or playful to send titillating messages and photos to a partner, it’s important to have some guardrails. Here’s what you…
News

Patrick Mahomes Reveals He Wears Same Condom Every Time He Has Sex

KANSAS CITY, MO—Noting that despite being old and tattered, the contraceptive was still his good luck charm, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes admitted to…
News

Only Sex Education In Country Now Just Pressing Ear To Shared Wall To Hear Noises From Next Door

JACKSONVILLE, FL—With the standard curriculum of anatomy, biology, risks, and consent continually being challenged by parent groups, sources confirmed Thursday that the only sex education…
Opinion

Gen Z Explains Why They Want Less Sex In TV And Movies

A new study from the University of California, Los Angeles, found that members of Gen Z want less sex in TV and movies, and instead…
Halloween, Local

Man Calls To Inform Previous Sexual Partners He’s Contracted The Curse Of The Pharaoh

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—His worst fears confirmed after an examination of his pubic region revealed a plague of genital locusts, area man Justin Frausto reportedly called several…

Football, Sports

Travis Kelce Delivers Inspiring Halftime Speech About What Sex With Taylor Swift Like

KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to rally his teammates, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly delivered an inspiring halftime speech Sunday about what…
News

New Law Requires People Who Publicly Announce They Need To Take A Piss To Register As Sex Offenders

WASHINGTON—With the passage of a landmark bill that received widespread bipartisan support in Congress and was immediately signed into law by President Biden, a new…
Local

Sex Moves You Should Never Try To Copy From Porn

Porn, in all its hairless, vaguely consensual glory, gives everyday Americans an unrealistic view of how disgusting sexual intercourse really is. While you may think…
American Voices, Opinion

Man Who Inspired ‘Sound Of Freedom’ Accused Of Sexual Misconduct By 7 Women

The man whose life inspired the film Sound Of Freedom about fighting child sex trafficking has reportedly stepped away from his watchdog organization after an…
News

Florida Students Reveal What They Learned In Sex Ed

With the State of Florida imposing broad new limits on how issues of gender and sexuality may be taught in school, The Onion asked Florida…
Local, News In Photos

Makeup Sex Ends In Fight

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