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Sex

Entertainment

‘Bluey’ Praised For Tackling Difficult Subject Of Walking In On Parents During Their Scheduled Weekly Sex

NEW YORK—Earning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated children’s TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on…
News

Report: Your Mother A Sexual Creature

MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a…
Local

Pregnant Sex Ed Teacher Must Really Know Her Stuff

GLENCOE, IL—Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher…
News

Subway Admits Chicken And Bacon Ranch Melt Also Sexually Attracted To Children

SHELTON, CT—Saying it had severed all ties with the sandwich in the wake of disturbing new evidence from a federal investigation, the fast food franchise…
News

Study Finds Sexual Satisfaction Highest Among Nerds Covered In Lipstick Marks With Glasses Askew

PHILADELPHIA—In a new study published Friday in the latest issue of the International Journal Of Sexual Health, researchers found that among the human population, sexual…
News

Quiz: Do You Know How To Please A Woman Sexually?

Take this quiz to see if you have the knowledge and skills required to sexually pleasure a woman.

Opinion

Conservatives Explain Why Casual Sex Should Be Illegal

After attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion…
News

Best Ways To Burn Calories During Sex

Rather than getting on a treadmill or going for a run, one way to get a good workout in is to take off your clothes…
News

Greece Legalizes Same-Sex Marriage In Bid To Do More Of That Wedding Dance They Do

ATHENS, GREECE—With passage of the law marking a first for a majority Orthodox Christian nation, Greece officially legalized same-sex marriage Thursday in a bid to…
News

Baffling Report Finds Vatican Also Tried To Cover Up Jared Fogle’s Sexual Abuse

VATICAN CITY—Concluding that high-ranking church officials had concealed evidence of the former Subway spokesman preying on young children, a baffling report released Monday found that…
News

First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk

SAN FRANCISCO—In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved…
Local

Embarrassing Sex Questions Women Wish They Could Ask Their Boyfriends

When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every…

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