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Vol 61: Issue 48

American Voices

Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation

After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?
Local

Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep…
News

Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a…
American Voices

America Celebrates Thanksgiving

Across the nation, Americans are gathering with loved ones to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?
Local

Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving
Local

Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago

Local

Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to…
Local

Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients’ bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was…
Politics

White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes

WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based…
Local

Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave Barron told reporters Wednesday that he…
American Voices

ShamWow Guy Running For Congress

Vince Offer, the once-prominent infomercial pitchman better known as the “ShamWow guy,” has filed to run as a Republican in Texas’s 31st congressional district, claiming…
News

Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that…

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