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Vol 61: Issue 48

News

Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers

According to a new AAA report, a record number of Americans plan to travel 50 miles or more for the holidays this year. The Onion…
Politics

RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a…
Local

Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac’s ‘The Chain’ Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life

BOSTON—Prematurely assuming he had reached the end of the 1977 rock masterpiece, local man Peter Verran, who thought Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain” was over, was…
Politics

Interactive COP30 Exhibit Allows Attendees To Be Shot Up Into Air On Big Spurt Of Oil
News

Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot

WASHINGTON—Reversing course after fierce backlash over the decision’s potentially divisive nature, the U.S. Coast Guard announced Friday that it would abandon plans to reclassify the…
Entertainment

Ken Burns’ ‘The American Revolution’ Ends With Number To Call If You Considering Founding Nation

Local

Horse Carefully Assesses Potential Mate For Also Being Horse

BELCHERTOWN, MA—Cautiously eyeing up a nearby mare in what barnyard sources described as a mixture of flirtation and guarded optimism, local horse Oatmeal reportedly took…

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