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Holidays

News

Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers

Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days’ worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion…
Local

Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to…
Local

Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago
Local

Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving
American Voices

America Celebrates Thanksgiving

Across the nation, Americans are gathering with loved ones to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?
Politics

White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes

WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based…

News

Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers

According to a new AAA report, a record number of Americans plan to travel 50 miles or more for the holidays this year. The Onion…
Local

Holiday Cooking For One

With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that we’ve never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an…
Local

Closeted Pride Parade Takes Place In Garage
News

Melania Trump Informs Visiting Children She Hid Many Easter Eggs Behind Curtain Of Reality

WASHINGTON—Lifting up the hem of existence as she gestured for the kids to go within and explore, Melania Trump reportedly informed children visiting the White…
News

Tips For Decorating Easter Eggs

From bold color choices to intricate patterns, there are many ways to make your springtime holiday decorations stand out from the rest. The Onion shares…
Local

Oversized Leprechaun Hat Left At Home On St. Patrick’s Day To Avoid Damaging It

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at…

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