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News In Brief

Entertainment

Nicole Kidman Retires Drag King Persona ‘Keith Urban’
Local

Every Movement In Man’s Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies

GLENDALE, CA—Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every movement in local man Eddy Azarian’s burrito-eating…
Local

Man Forgetting Difference Between Meteoroid, Meteorite Struggles To Describe What Just Killed His Dog

TORONTO—Though he tried hard to recall what he had learned about space rocks back in middle school, local man Jason Nieto reportedly forgot the difference…
Local

Self-Respecting Man Heats Up Leftovers

GREEN BAY, WI—In an act demonstrating clear confidence and pride in his own worth, self-respecting man Evan Landry reportedly heated up his leftovers from Garcia’s…
Politics

Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz…
News

Prince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between Children

LONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince Harry reportedly settled their dispute Monday…

Sports

Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries

LUSAIL, QATAR—In a ceremony honoring the top on-field performances in the 2022 World Cup, Brazilian forward Neymar received the Golden Tears award Monday for the…
Sports

Out-Of-Shape Streaker Ashamed After Cramp Forces Him To Walk Rest Of Way Across Football Field

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Sprinting his way from the stands for a solid 10 seconds at MetLife stadium, out-of-shape streaker Patrick Koehler was reportedly ashamed Sunday after…
Entertainment

Meryl Streep Dropped By Agent After Failing To Develop Massive TikTok Following

LOS ANGELES—After struggling to keep up with the changing times, actress Meryl Streep was reportedly dropped by her agent this week over her failure to…
Local

Disappointed Man Reaches Bottom Of Ice Cream Carton Right When He Was Hitting His Stride

CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly disappointed Monday that he had reached the bottom…
News

Report: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off Time

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than 10,000 pedestrians are struck every year by drivers rushing…
News

Elon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding Rent

SAN FRANCISCO—Hissing at his remaining employees to close the blinds and stay out of sight, Elon Musk reportedly hid in a darkened office at Twitter…

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