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News

Elon Musk Worried He Won’t Have Enough Twitter Employees Left To Fire On Christmas Eve

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing concern that he might have totally ruined the holiday season, Elon Musk reportedly worried Thursday that he wouldn’t have enough Twitter employees left…
Local

Progressive In Year 2180 Blasts Gender Discrimination In Conscription Practices Of Nabisco’s Corporate Military

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Criticizing the outdated attitudes and policies of the most powerful branch of the armed services, a progressive citizen in the year 2180 vehemently…
Local

‘So What Do You Do For Work?’ Says Man In Brilliant Opening Gambit Of Making Woman Love Him

HYDE PARK, NY—Moments after being seated at local establishment Stonehill Tavern, local man Jeremy Kilpatrick reportedly asked his date, “So what do you do for…
Local

Twins Invent Secret Sex Move They Only Use With Each Other

FORT WAYNE, IN—Noting the odd idiosyncrasy exclusive to the identical pair, sources reported Wednesday that two area twins had invented a secret sex move they…
Politics

Trump Slams Biden As America’s Most Flat-Assed President

PALM BEACH, FL—Calling into question whether he had the junk in the trunk necessary to lead the country, Donald Trump reportedly slammed President Joe Biden…
News

Herschel Walker Scrambles To Collect Dozens Of Fetuses That Fell Out Of Pants Pocket

ATLANTA—Crawling on his hands and knees in an attempt to scoop up as many as he could before anyone at the campaign event noticed, Georgia…

Local

SWAT Team Busts Down Door Of Denver Woman’s Home To Apologize For Previous Raid

DENVER—After local woman Ruby Johnson filed a lawsuit claiming police had conducted an illegal search when they entered her home by mistake earlier this year,…
Local

Rat Mother Accused Of Savoring One Child Over Another

NEW YORK—According to a source huddling nearby in the basement of an apartment building, a local rat mother came under fire Tuesday for allegedly savoring…
News

Rising Conservative Star Just Guy Wearing Nazi Armband And Crying

AUSTIN, TX—A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is known solely for wearing a Nazi armband…
News

New Square Feature Allows Customers To Tip With Bible Quote

SAN FRANCISCO—Updating the payment system to make sermonizing to service workers more efficient, a new Square feature released Tuesday allows customers to tip with Bible…
News

Elon Musk Announces Plans To Implant Tesla In Human Brain Within 6 Months

AUSTIN, TX—Telling reporters the procedure could be available to the general public by the end of 2023, Elon Musk announced plans Monday to implant a…
News

Over-50 Dating App Filters Matches Solely By Whether They’d Stay If You Got Parkinson’s

FORT MYERS, FL—Catering to a niche community of singles looking for love, a new dating app for the over-50 crowd launched Monday that lets users…

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