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Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan

COLUMBUS, GA—Drawing a blank just seconds after landing on the trunk of the Douglas fir, local domestic shorthair Butterscotch confirmed Thursday that clinging to the…
News

Ancestry Website Shows Chart Of Which Dead People Busted Loads Inside Other Dead People

MISSOULA, MT—In a display presenting a rich, detailed portrait of their family histories and ancestral lineages, website GeneologyMe.com shows its users a chart of which…
Local

Uncle Returns From Trip Abroad With Treasure Trove Of Prescription Medications

AMARILLO, TX—Opening his suitcase to reveal a glowing bounty of illegally smuggled lotions, pills, and inhalers, local uncle Steve Palazzo told relatives Thursday he’d found…
News

Nation Forgives Harvey Weinstein After He Gets Really Good At Football

LOS ANGELES—The American people have reportedly forgiven Harvey Weinstein Wednesday after discovering the disgraced mogul has gotten really good at football. “I don’t condone what…
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Johnson & Johnson Raises Price Of Band-Aids To $100,000 Apiece

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Attributing the move to unspecified supply chain issues, Johnson & Johnson reportedly raised the price of Band-Aids Wednesday to $100,000 apiece. “Beginning next…
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Elon Musk Receives Experimental Neuralink Implant In Attempt To Delete Memory Of Being Booed

SAN FRANCISCO—Following a traumatizing incident on stage at a recent Dave Chappelle show, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk reportedly underwent surgery Tuesday to receive an experimental…

Local

Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé

HUDSON, NY—In a lesson intended to help her class understand the crucial feature of ecology, elementary school teacher Dina Schultz reportedly instructed her students Tuesday…
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Nation That Can’t Agree Upon Rules Of ‘Uno’ Attempts To Come To Ideological Consensus

WASHINGTON—Hoping to move forward and find common ground upon which the unified will of its people might gain a foothold, the United States, a nation…
Local

Winter Clothing Drive Puts Out Urgent Request For More Giant Foam Fingers

CHICAGO—Warning that many needy families could be left without team paraphernalia during the winter sports season, a local cold-weather clothing drive put out an urgent…
Local

Lifeguard Has To Admit Riptide Just Wanted It More

PENSACOLA, FL—Saying he gave it his all but simply came up short, lifeguard Brett Canberra reportedly had to admit Monday that the riptide just wanted…
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God Reveals Frogs’ Mouths Designed Specifically To Feel Awesome On Penis

THE HEAVENS—Describing the sensation as the most pleasurable experience in the universe, God Almighty, Our Lord and Savior, revealed Monday that He specifically designed the…
Local

Black Coworker Probably Wants Someone To Bring Up Negro League Baseball To Him Out Of Nowhere

WATERBURY, CT—As he attempted to mind his business and go about his day as the only African American person in his office, sources reported Wednesday…

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