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‘Task’ Teams Up With Wawa For New Fentanyl Brick Hoagie
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Paul McCartney Now Openly Referring To Self As ‘Last-Living Beatle’
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Dolly Parton Shares Video Confirming Sister A Shit-Stirring Bitch

BRENTWOOD, TN—Taking to Instagram to address recent concerns from her fans, country music icon Dolly Parton shared a video Thursday in which she confirmed her…
Entertainment

Sydney Sweeney Desperately Fishing For Pet Names To Avoid Calling Grown Man ‘Scooter’
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Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career

RISHIKESH, INDIA—In an effort to break down creative barriers and open their minds to new types of spirituality, members of the heavy metal band Slipknot…

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Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album

LEAWOOD, KS—Seeing his fiancée in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to…
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Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers

LOS GATOS, CA—With an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday…
Entertainment

What To Know About ‘Good Boy’

Good Boy, a horror movie told from the point of view of its dog protagonist, comes to theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you…
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Nicole Kidman Retires Drag King Persona ‘Keith Urban’
Entertainment

Artist Profile: Zach Bryan

With 112,408 fans attending his show Saturday at Michigan Stadium, country star Zach Bryan set a new national record for the largest ticketed concert crowd.…
Entertainment

Lucky Fan Wins Open-Heart Surgery From Stars Of ‘The Pitt’

BURBANK, CA—Touting the promotion as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go behind the scenes of the beloved medical drama, producers of The Pitt announced Thursday that…

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Physical Media Collector Pumped For Downfall Of Humanity

MESA, AZ—Gleefully describing the inevitable day when society would collapse and digital files would become unusable, local physical media collector David Campbell confirmed Wednesday he…
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New Season Of ‘Monster’ To Focus On Barista Who Made Ryan Murphy’s Drink Wrong

LOS ANGELES—Saying he was excited to explore the psychology of “one of the 21st century’s greatest villains,” Monster creator Ryan Murphy announced Wednesday that the…
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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sabrina Carpenter

Pop star Sabrina Carpenter is one of several artists set to headline this year’s Lollapalooza. The Onion sat down with the “Espresso” singer to discuss…
Entertainment

Hilaria Baldwin Hires Nanny To Waltz For Her On ‘Dancing With The Stars’

LOS ANGELES—In a move that has drawn criticism from fans of the competition series, Hilaria Baldwin reportedly hired a nanny to waltz for her on Dancing…
Entertainment

What To Know About ‘The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl’

Taylor Swift is promoting her forthcoming album with The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl, an 89-minute movie that features a music video, lyric videos,…
Entertainment

Morgan Wallen Issues Apology After Genealogy Report Reveals His Family Never Owned Slaves

NASHVILLE, TN—Stating that he was “horrified and deeply ashamed,” country singer Morgan Wallen issued an apology Thursday after a genealogy report revealed his family had…

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