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Vol 61: Issue 1

Local

At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day
Basketball

Muffled Gunshot Heard From Inside Otto The Orange Costume
American Voices

Labor Board Classifies ‘Love Is Blind’ Contestants As Employees

The National Labor Relations Board issued a complaint against the hit reality show Love Is Blind in which it classified the show’s contestants as employees,…
Entertainment

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Timothée Chalamet

Timothée Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with…
Local

Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount!

CHÂTEAU DE CHAMBORD—Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking…
American Voices

Study: Few Bursts Of Vigorous Movement May Cut Women’s Heart Risks

A study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the day, no matter how small, can help…

American Voices

Man Injured Protecting Wife From Polar Bear

A man has sustained serious injuries after rescuing his wife who was ambushed by a polar bear in an early morning attack, leaping on to…
Local

Tips For Picking Out Running Shoes

With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are…
Local

Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating

CHARLESTON, SC—Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was “good enough for him,” local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones…
News

Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand’s legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its…
Magazine

‘Cultivate A Growth Mindset’ And 40 Other Phrases That Give Sad Sacks Like You False Hope
News

Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp

WASHINGTON—At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation’s turkey-weary populace has made a…

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