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Vol 61: Issue 11

News

What’s Causing ProblemsWith Flights Across America
Obituaries

Tina Webb

Tina Webb, 25, died Saturday night, becoming the fifth assistant that Xander the Magnificent has burned through in as many weeks.
Local

What Are Our Dietary Restrictions?
Weddings

Fiona Blythewood and Dexter Van Horne

Van Horne married Blythewood Saturday, turning his bewitched household appliances back into humans.
Obituaries

Malin Rourke

The severely claustrophobic Malin Rourke, 78, died Tuesday surrounded by loved ones on every side and with no possible escape.
Real Estate

Yours, In Exchange For One Night With Your Wife

What would you say? The night would come and go, but this 3-bedroom, 2-bath Tudor-style house could last a lifetime. Think of it. A whole…

Weddings

Molly Hall and David Kerry

The pair tied the knot in a small backyard ceremony Sunday at the childhood home of their Airbnb host.
Local

Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There

BURLINGTON, VT—Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that…
Local

Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza

CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a…
News

Teacher Required To Provide Own Salary

BALTIMORE—As public schools across the country increasingly face budget shortfalls, educators like Patricia Harper, a fifth-grade teacher in Baltimore, have reportedly found it more necessary…
Real Estate

Ah Fuck, They Painted The Brick

Beautiful Georgian home in a perfect neighborhood, your literal dream home, except get this: They painted the fucking brick. What kind of moron would paint…
Entertainment

Jeremy Allen White Undergoes Experimental Mouth Enlargement Surgery

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