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Vol 61: Issue 38

Politics

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Kash Patel

As questions mount over his handling of the Epstein files and other high-profile investigations, FBI Director Kash Patel testified before Congress Wednesday in a contentious…
American Voices

Pentagon Announces New Clean-Shaven Grooming Standards

The Pentagon implemented stricter grooming standards, requiring male service members to be “clean shaven and neat in presentation for a proper military appearance.” What do…
Football, Sports

Joe Burrow Frustrated Hospital Won’t Take Bengals’ Insurance

CINCINNATI—Explaining that the ongoing ordeal has added stress to an already difficult week, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow expressed frustration Friday after the hospital he…
Local

Tips For Junk Journaling

Junk journaling, a hobby that involves using materials like receipts and ticket stubs to create a keepsake journal, has taken off among arts and crafts…
Politics

Gavin Newsom, Kristi Noem Nod Silently To Each Other In Plastic Surgeon’s Office
Politics

Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel

WASHINGTON—Flipping through all of the options for the sixth time in a row as the clock approached 1 a.m., a bored President Donald Trump reportedly…

Football, Sports

Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In

ORCHARD PARK, NY—Providing context for anyone who might’ve missed the past 156 years of gridiron action, play-by-play announcer Al Michaels reportedly took time during Thursday…
Magazine

Charlie Kirk, Not In His Own Words: We Honor The Right-Wing Activist By Making Up Quotes That Sound Much Better, Given The Moment
American Voices

Murder Suspect Found To Have To-Do List For Cover Up

A Kentucky man was arrested after allegedly killing his partner and leaving behind a to-do list, which included instructions to clean blood, dispose of the…
News

Nation Grateful To GOP For Protecting It From TV

WASHINGTON—Thanking the government for defending the public from the terrifying screen in their homes, the American people confirmed Thursday that they were grateful to Republicans…
American Voices

Fox News Host Apologizes For Saying Mentally Ill Homeless People Should Be Executed

Fox News host Brian Kilmeade apologized for saying that mentally ill homeless people should be subject to “involuntary lethal injections”, a remark he now calls…
Entertainment

Taylor Swift Breaks Down ‘The Life Of A Showgirl’ Track By Track

The Life Of A Showgirl, Taylor Swift’s newest album, will be released Oct. 3. The pop star gave The Onion a preview of the album,…

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