Obituaries

John Owens died right on the money Sunday at the average U.S. male life expectancy of 74.8 years old. 

Randy Baker, 43, was momentarily pronounced dead Thursday by a really dumb EMT who apparently has no idea how to take a pulse.

Bruce Cooke, 48, died at the aquarium Thursday after his WaveRunner collided with the wall of the dolphin tank. 

Ava Barden, 14, imagined dying Thursday evening. In her head, she was survived by her crush Ethan Loughran, whom she imagined weeping as he laid…