Obituaries

Lillian Canfield passed away at 89. She is survived by one son, three grandchildren, and a thriving maggot population.

John Alford, 81, leaves behind his 2006 Chrysler Sebring, 120,000 miles, $2,900. Local pickup only.

A memorial will be held Saturday for Barbara Stratton, 77, at which her remains will be raffled off to one lucky mourner.

Tom Cowvin passed away at age 78. He is survived by 8.113 billion people.

Marlene Audney, 83, finally found an opportunity to slip away quietly Monday when her daughter briefly left her hospice room to fetch a snack from…

Tina Webb, 25, died Saturday night, becoming the fifth assistant that Xander the Magnificent has burned through in as many weeks.

The severely claustrophobic Malin Rourke, 78, died Tuesday surrounded by loved ones on every side and with no possible escape.

Matthew Early, 65, passed away suddenly Wednesday, leaving behind two uneaten slices of pepperoni pizza.

Greg King, 43, passed away at Grace Hospice Care on Thursday morning after one of his patients decided she didn’t want to leave the world…

Knowing it was his time, Kevin Hagstetter instinctively crawled under the porch to die alone at age 73.

Nadia Zafirovski, 35, died in what was surely a coincidence Friday when she was struck by lightning while violently shaking her fist at the sky…

Known for being an adventurous risk-taker, Luke Platt, 36, died Thursday after brazenly wearing regular shoes on the bowling alley floor.

Mary Stevenson, 82, passed away Sunday. Her family asks that anyone interested in joining her in the coffin please reach out ASAP.

Sammy Gertz, 41, passed away Tuesday while bravely fighting off a horde of restaurant patrons attempting to give her the Heimlich maneuver.

David Eustice, 54, was found dead in his apartment. In lieu of flowers, please send a team of forensic crime scene technicians.

Sarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son’s erratic driving was “going to get [them] all killed” was proven right.

Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win…