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Vol 50: Issue 49

Local

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’
Infographic, News

How Police Are Revamping Their Tactics

In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, law enforcement departments across the country are instituting new rules and policies to ensure…
Entertainment

Those We Lost In 2014
Sports

Athlete’s Heartwarming Story Fucking Sucks

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Indianapolis Colts scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his…
Commentary, Opinion

I Don’t See Race; I Only See Grayish-Brown, Vaguely Humanoid Shapes

I don’t understand why everyone seems to be so angry lately. Everywhere you look, there are marches, protests, riots—and all of it over so-called racism…
Sports

Fantasy Football Week 15: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:

Entertainment

Top 10 Apps Of 2014
Local

Family Receives 38-Piece AstraZeneca Assorted Pill Sampler

ALPHARETTA, GA—Gathering around the kitchen table to pick out their favorites, all four members of the Johnson household eagerly dug into a 38-piece AstraZeneca pill…
American Voices, Opinion

Convicted Sex Offender Wins $3 Million Florida Lottery

After Florida man Timothy Poole won $3 million from a scratch-off lottery ticket and posed in a photo with his check, internet users and authorities…
Politics

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and…
Dispatch, News

The Onion’s Person Of The Year 2014

(TIE) Malala Yousafzai And John Cena
American Voices, Opinion

Columbia Law School Allowing Students Distressed Over Garner, Brown To Delay Exams

The interim dean of Columbia Law School announced that students who reported being traumatized or disturbed by the American legal system after the non-indictments of…

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