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Vol 50: Issue 49

American Voices, Opinion

Heiress Delays Plane Over Dissatisfaction With Peanuts

Heather Cho, the daughter of Korean Air boss Cho Yang-ho, held up a 250-passenger plane from JFK to South Korea when she berated a flight…
Entertainment

Jars We Had To Ask For Help Opening In 2014
Entertainment

Top 10 Newsmakers Of 2014
Sports

Michael Jordan Fans Commemorate Anniversary Of Remarkable ‘Flu Hanes Commercial’

CHICAGO—Celebrating what many regard as the gutsiest and most memorable performance in advertising history, fans of NBA Hall of Famer Michael Jordan reportedly commemorated Tuesday’s…
American Voices, Opinion

U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Draws ‘Group Of Death’ For World Cup

During the official group drawing for the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup, to be held in Canada next summer, the No. 1-ranked U.S. women’s national…
Entertainment

The Onion’s Holiday Gift Guide For Him

Dispatch, News

Minority Student’s Perspective Better Be Pretty Goddamn Diverse If He Wants Full Scholarship

CHELMSFORD, MA—Stating that the university deserves a boatload of multiculturalism for the investment it’s making, Leverett College officials announced this week that recently admitted minority…
News

Hippocratic Oath Updated To Include Vow Of Loyalty To Blue Cross Blue Shield

NEW YORK—In an effort to modernize the ancient ethics pledge, officials from the American Medical Association announced Tuesday an update to the Hippocratic oath that…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 9, 2014

You said you’d retire after one last job, and 40 years after accepting a minor actuarial position with Amalgamated Loan and Trust, you’re honoring your…
Sports

Jon Gruden Impressed By Every Blade Of Grass On Football Field

GREEN BAY, WI—Hailing their contribution to the game as “extraordinary” and “totally underrated,” ESPN Monday Night Football commentator Jon Gruden was reportedly full of praise…
News

World’s Oldest Woman Just Pleased Every Other Human On Earth When She Was Born Now Dead

OSAKA, JAPAN—Reflecting on a long life that began at the end of the 19th century, the world’s oldest woman told reporters Monday that she could…
Local

Man Somehow Thinks He Doesn’t Have Enough Alone Time

MINNEAPOLIS—Making repeated claims this week that he could really use a break from being around people, local copywriter Jonathan Maynard has, by all accounts, somehow…

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