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Vol 45: Issue 50

Dispatch, News

Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague

According to recently discovered journals, the 14th century’s rat-feces-smeared men of science were at a total loss to explain how the Black Death was able…
Local

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object inhabitting Brian Jensen’s dream Friday night was suddenly struck by the unusually strong smell of…
Sports

Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason

KANSAS CITY, MO—During a Monday conference call with the media, Royals GM Dayton Moore confessed he had “no idea” he was permitted to make player…
Entertainment

Nick's All-Star Scrooge Deluge

NICK
Entertainment

Holiday Music Aficionado Urges Friends To Check Out 'Frosty The Snowman'

SAN DIEGO—Calling it one of the “true overlooked gems” in the American Christmas-song canon, holiday music aficionado Steve Robinson strongly recommended this week that his…
Sports

College Football Highlights 2009

As the national championship game approaches, we take a moment to reflect on the standout moments of the 2009 NCAA football season.

Sports, Strongside/Weakside

Mark Ingram
Sports

On The Two Non-BCS Teams Meeting In A BCS Bowl Game:

“It’s about time someone taught these schools a lesson for trying to be good.” “Sounds like a dick move to me: two no-name football programs…
Sports

Man With Rare Purple-Yellow Skin Condition Tired Of Being Mistaken For Vikings Fan
Local

This Lamp: Is The Switch On The Cord Or By The Bulb?
Local

Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck
Commentary, Opinion

What Kind Of Sick Fuck Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It?

I’ve been swimming for quite some time now, and I gotta tell you, I’ve seen a lot of shit in my day. I’ve seen orcas…

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