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Vol 45: Issue 50

Politics

Revisiting White House Security Protocols

After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the Secret Service…
Local

Last Minute Of Man's Sexual Prime Expires During Routine Visit To Dry Cleaner

WICHITA, KS—At 8:42 p.m. Thursday, Wichita resident Cody Dixon, 29, reportedly spent the final seconds of his peak period of virility dropping off two dress…
Entertainment

'The Blind Side' An Unexpected Hit

The Blind Side, a drama in which Sandra Bullock takes in and tutors a future all-American offensive tackle, has smashed box office expectations to become…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity
Politics

U.S. Finally Gets Around To Prosecuting Mastermind Behind 9/11

WASHINGTON—The Justice Department announced Monday that it had finally found enough time in its busy schedule to squeeze in the prosecution of alleged 9/11 mastermind…
News, News In Photos

Corporate Merger Renders Thousands Of Coffee Mugs Obsolete

Commentary, Opinion

Let Us Identify The Faggots And Then Inform Them Of Their Status

I’m certain I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know when I say that the world is full of faggots. Be they wimps, pussies,…
Entertainment

Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple conversation regarding popular international singing sensation Taylor…
American Voices, Opinion

New Cell Phone Device Processes Credit Cards

Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey has introduced the Square, a device that plugs into an iPhone or iPod Touch’s headphone jack and allows the user to…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes

The debate over stun guns will take a strange turn when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn’t work on you. Tuberculosis is certainly not…
Entertainment

A Cafferty File Christmas

CNN
Cartoons, Opinion

Editorial Cartoon – December 7, 2009

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