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Vol 54: Issue 51

Sports

Study: Most Concussions Can Be Prevented By Wearing Second Helmet
Sports

Joe Buck Tears Rotator Cuff After Awkward Throw Down To Sideline

DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw down to the sideline during the…
Sports

NFL Defends Right To Subject Eric Reid To Random Stop-And-Frisks

CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement…
News

Charity Notes Even One Dollar Can Help A Needy Child But You’d Have To Be A Dick To Give That Little

LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation released an advertising campaign Friday stressing that…
American Voices, Opinion

Apple Will Build $1 Billion Campus In Austin, Adding 5,000 Jobs

Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have room to accommodate up…
News

Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think

WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had…

Politics

Exhausted Robert Mueller Turns Off Phone To Give Himself Breather From Russia Probe News Over Holiday Break

WASHINGTON—Desperate to unwind after months of nonstop work investigating Russian influence in the 2016 election, visibly exhausted Special Counsel Robert Mueller powered his phone down…
Local

Man Watches Helplessly As White Elephant Exchange Completely Devolves Into Friends Just Chatting And Having Nice Time

CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White…
Politics

Hand Of George H.W. Bush Bursts Out Of Ground To Grope One Last Woman
Entertainment

Bose Releases New Headphones Specifically Optimized For Listening To Whitney Houston’s ‘How Will I Know?’

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the release of the new W85 headphones that are specifically…
American Voices, Opinion

Poll: Most Americans Oppose Increased Political Correctness

In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most Americans are against the country becoming more politically…
News, News In Photos

Podiatrists Recommend Getting Feet Rotated Every 6 Months

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