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Vol 54: Issue 51

Entertainment

Les Moonves Doesn’t Know How He Going To Tell Wife He Didn’t Get $120 Million Bonus

NEW YORK—Saying the news would come as a big disappointment to her, former CBS chairman and CEO Les Moonves confided to reporters Tuesday that he…
Politics

Frazzled Robert Mueller Walking Around With Piece Of Russia Investigation Document Stuck To His Shoe
Entertainment

Radio Station Playing Controversial ‘Little Drummer Boy’ On Repeat In Defiance Of Those Who Claim It Contains Sexually Predatory Themes

LEXINGTON, KY—Pushing back against what they view as political correctness run amok, DJs at local radio station 104.5 “The Cat” were defiantly playing “The Little…
Local

Report: Key Goes In But Won’t Turn
Sports

Entirety Of Browns Dawg Pound Euthanized Following Rabies Outbreak

CLEVELAND—Claiming it was the most humane way to deal with their suffering fans, the Cleveland Browns announced Tuesday that they had euthanized the entirety of…
American Voices, Opinion

Social Media Overtakes Newspapers As Source Of News

A new Pew study found that for the first time, more Americans get their news from social media than newspapers. What do you think?

Local

Man Finally Able To Forgive Self For Terrible Mistake He Made 2 Seconds Ago

SPOKANE, WA—Declaring his willingness to put the whole phase of his life behind him once and for all, 28-year-old man Neil Donovan confirmed Tuesday that…
News

KFC Blames Popeyes For Releasing Serial Rapist From Prison In New Attack Ad Campaign

LOUISVILLE, KY—Referring to the fast food restaurant chain as a revolving door for perverts and sexual deviants, Kentucky Fried Chicken released a new attack ad…
American Voices, Opinion

Maria Butina Pleads Guilty To Russian Scheme To Influence Conservatives

In a deal with federal prosecutors, Maria Butina pleaded guilty to conspiring to act as a foreign agent as part of a broader effort to…
Politics

Ryan Zinke Apologizes For Misuse Of Government Funds By Sending Ethics Committee $160,000 Vase

WASHINGTON—Attempting to make amends for gross abuses of power during his time as Interior Department Secretary, an unusually contrite Ryan Zinke apologized Monday for misusing…
Politics

Trump Administration Launches Human Rights Investigation Into Senate’s Harsh Treatment Of Mohammad Bin Salman

WASHINGTON—Decrying the Senate’s resolution blaming the crown prince for the brutal torture and murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi as “a cruel, inhumane, and unprecedented interference…
Local

Everything Reminds Man Of ‘Her’

GENEVA, IL—Admitting that he thought he would have moved on by now, 28-year-old marketing analyst Garrett Moore reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Monday while revealing…

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