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Vol 54: Issue 51

Local

Report: There Nothing Else In Bottom Of Gift Bag
Local

Man Methodically Explains Origin Behind Every Poster Hanging In Apartment

CHICAGO—Detailing the extensive backstories of the wall hangings and how he came to acquire them, local man Richard Minhas was methodically explaining Thursday the origin…
News

Relationship Experts Say Healthy Couples Should Be Renewing Their Vows 3 Times A Week

NEW YORK—Claiming that the continued strength of a marriage was dependent on incorporating the ritual into their routine, relationship experts told reporters Thursday that healthy…
News

Voyeur Researchers Recommend At Least 7 Hours Of Watching Someone Sleep Per Night

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that their subjects felt healthier, more energetic, and oh, so satisfied the next morning, voyeur researchers at the University of Michigan recommended…
American Voices, Opinion

Gun Deaths In U.S. At 40-Year High

A new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed gun deaths in the U.S. reaching a record high, with such fatalities increasing…
Entertainment

Winner Of ‘The Voice’ Excited To Use $50 Chili’s Gift Card

LOS ANGELES—Fresh off her victory in last night’s finale of The Voice, 16-year-old country singer Chevel Shepherd told reporters Wednesday she was excited to use…

American Voices, Opinion

Merriam-Webster Names ‘Justice’ Word Of The Year

Merriam-Webster named “justice” the Word Of The Year for 2018, explaining that “the concept of justice was at the center of many of our national…
Local

Man Spends Long Day At Work Waiting To Go Home And Be Lonely

BALTIMORE—Sighing in exasperation and repeatedly checking the clock as he completed a number of menial tasks, area man Alan Stover confirmed Wednesday he had spent…
Sports

Raiders Announce Plan To Play 2019 Home Games In Jon Gruden’s Backyard

OAKLAND, CA—Quashing rumors that the team was looking to make an early exit for Las Vegas, the Oakland Raiders announced plans Wednesday to play the…
Local

Firefighter Excitedly Checks Drop-Off Bin To See If They Got Any Babies While They Were Out

SAINT PAUL, MN—Saying that he had “a really good feeling about today,” excited firefighter Pat Morales, 37, took the first opportunity he had on his…
Politics

The Trump Presidency In 2018

Nearly halfway through his presidential term, Donald Trump has continued to exist in a perpetual state of controversy, and 2018 provided no shortage of outrageous…
News

Ecstatic Pope Francis Finally Lands Role As Mary In St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant

VATICAN CITY—Excitedly catching a glimpse of his name atop the cast list posted outside the Apostolic Palace, an ecstatic Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that…

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