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Football

Eagles Score On 99-Yard Tush Push
Football

Super Bowl Coin Toss Fractures World Into Infinite Multiverses Where Eagles Win, Lose, Earth Explodes

NEW ORLEANS—Revealing that the cosmic branching event had startling consequences for the fabric of reality, experts confirmed Sunday that the Super Bowl coin toss had…
Football

Andy Reid Removes Bald Cap for National Anthem
Football

NFL Confirms Players Will Still Wear ‘Fight Bigotry’ Jockstraps

NEW ORLEANS—Insisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed Sunday that players would still wear their…
Football

Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements…

Football

NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the…
Football

Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends

CHARLOTTE, NC—Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL…
Football

NFL Planning Small, Intimate Super Bowl With Friends, Family

NEW YORK—Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he…
Football

Aaron Rodgers Shows Rookies How To Break Down Zapruder Film

NEW YORK—Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly…
Football

More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to…
Football

Aaron Rodgers Takes Blame For Parts Of Game Where Jets Were Winning

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Apologizing to fans and pledging to do better in the future, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers demonstrated impressive character this week by…

Football

Tom Brady Breaks Down Exactly Why Jiu Jitsu Instructor Could Never Please Gisele

GREEN BAY, WI—Completely ignoring a tackle for loss on the field, Fox Sports NFL announcer Tom Brady began to break down exactly why the jiu jitsu instructor now…
Football

Travis Kelce Asks Nerd For Help Passing Concussion Protocol

KANSAS CITY, MO—Forging an unlikely alliance with the “dorky” team statistician, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly enlisted a nerd Monday to help him…
Football

Deshaun Watson Figures Now A Good Time To Get Into Dog Fighting

CLEVELAND—Discussing how his season-ending injury had inspired him to explore other interests, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters this week that now might be…
Football

Harrison Butker Insists He Won’t Let Politics Distract From Upcoming Race War

KANSAS CITY, MO—Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn’t focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison…
Football

Travis Kelce Suffers Film-Career-Beginning Injury

KANSAS CITY, MO—In a stunning turn of events that shocked fans during the Chiefs’ game against the New Orleans Saints, sources confirmed Monday night that…
Football

Deion Sanders Admits He Has No Idea What School Colorado Buffaloes Play For

BOULDER, CO—Emphasizing that he was primarily focused on running the football team, head coach Deion Sanders admitted to reporters Wednesday that he has absolutely zero…

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