Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Football

Football, Sports

Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back

ARLINGTON, TX—Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team’s dismal performance in recent years, several members of the…
Football, Sports

Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to…
Football, Sports

Micah Parsons Unnerved By Deafening Roar Of 80,000 Packers Fans Catching Breath
Football, Sports

‘People Who Go In That Locker Room Come Out…Different,’ Jets Custodian Warns Aaron Glenn

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Speaking grimly as he mopped the floor beneath flickering fluorescent lights, longtime MetLife Stadium custodian Keith Browning reportedly approached first year New York…
Football, Sports

Fantasy Football Draft Good Excuse To See How Weird-Looking Everyone Getting

SAN DIEGO—Calling the in-person gathering an exciting chance to check in on old friends, local resident Anthony Crews told reporters Thursday that this week’s in-person…

Football

Panicking NBC Realizes They Left Cris Collinsworth In Broadcast Booth All Offseason

PHILADELPHIA—Rushing into a darkened stadium and dreading what they might discover, NBC Sports producers reportedly panicked Friday upon realizing they had accidentally left analyst Cris…
Football

Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere

NEW YORK—Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week in quarterback Aaron Rodgers playing elsewhere, sources…
Football, Sports

Jalen Carter Flees Scene In Parade Float

PHILADELPHIA—Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super…
Football

Jerry Jones Signs 15-Year, $500 Million Life Extension

ARLINGTON, TX—In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced…
Football

Philadelphia Enjoys Quiet Week Of Super Bowl Victory Reflection

PHILADELPHIA—With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying…
Football

Nick Sirianni To Eagles Fans: ‘I Hate All Of You, Fuck You’

NEW ORLEANS—Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans…

Football

Trump Regales Jackson Mahomes With Tales Of His Old Groping Days

NEW ORLEANS—Claiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media…
Football

Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance

NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide “family-friendly entertainment” for viewers, Fox reportedly opted Sunday to bleep out Kendrick Lamar’s entire…
Football

Super Bowl Party Guest Brings Something Called ‘Ham Plinkies’
Football

Travis Kelce Caught Fingering Taylor Swift Under Super Bowl Bleachers
Football

Travis Kelce Plays Super Bowl In Gucci Bucket Helmet
Football

Trump Asks Which One The Ball

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest