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Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them

CINCINNATI—Saying the man’s reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at…
American Voices

Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court

A judge in Missouri resigned after wearing an Elvis Presley wig in court, coming after a disciplinary commission determined he failed to maintain order and…
Local

Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today

CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday…
Football, Sports

Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team…
Local

IT Guy Had Affinity For Cords At Young Age

DES MOINES, IOWA—Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday…
Local

Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron

TUCSON, AZ—In a move that has earned praise from women’s rights advocates, local business Leiderman Insurance reportedly unveiled a dedicated space Friday for lactating mothers…

Local

CEO Worried 23-Year-Old Only Into Him For His Keen Business Acumen

PHOENIX—In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner’s superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the…
Local

Woman’s Career Dies In Childbirth

DAYTON, OH—In a tragic turn to what loved ones had expected to be a joyous day, family sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Sandra McDowell’s…
Local

Warm, Encouraging Email From CEO Quickly Identified As Phishing Attempt

AUSTIN, TX—Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm’s employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of…
News

Rising Cost Of Living Forcing More Buddhists To Continue Working Years Into Reincarnation

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Calling the trend an alarming indicator of the global economy’s fragile state, a report released Thursday by the Tibetan Institute for Economics revealed that…
Local

‘My Work Doesn’t Define Me,’ Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office

SACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man…
News

Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids

SUNNYVALE, CA—Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of…