A section of Interstate 95 outside Philadelphia collapsed on Sunday, and officials predict a lengthy repair process with significant impact on travelers. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the I-95 bridge collapse.
Q: What caused the bridge to collapse? A: It couldn’t take another day in Philadelphia.
Q: How long will it take to repair the damage?A: Roughly 100 years to go back in time and prevent America from becoming a totally car-dependent nation, plus 10 to 15 years for construction delays.
Q: What are some alternate travel routes that can be used instead? A: Officials recommend using Route 63 West, U.S. 1 South, or the official zip line that has been installed on either side of the collapsed bridge.
Q: How will this impact commuters? A: Travelers in the area should brace for forms of road rage never before seen on this earth.
Q: Should I cancel my plans to visit Philadelphia? A: Yes, but not because of this.
Q: Can a gasoline fire really melt steel girders? A: Oh boy, not this again.
Q: Will this lead to a significant investment increase in public transportation as a safe alternative to driving? A: No.
Q: How is Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg handling the situation? A: He’s refused to leave the highway’s side while it convalesces.
Q: Is this why all the drivers in the Philly area are irate and screaming? A: No, they were already doing that.
Q: Could this be a metaphor for the rot and decay at the heart of America? A: Probably, but it could just be a rebar thing.
