Become A Member. Get The Paper.

college

Football, Sports

Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of…
Football, Sports

Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold
American Voices

Cornell Students Skin, Butcher Dead Bear In Dorm

Two Cornell students killed a 120-pound black bear before bringing its carcass into a communal kitchen in their dormitory to skin and process it, with…
Local

GI Bill Used On Hustlers University

ZANESVILLE, OH—Drawing on the government program that has helped countless service members enrich their lives after leaving the military, local veteran Doug Whitley told reporters…
Politics

Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard

President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares…
Sports

Cooper Flagg’s Agent Negotiates 10% Increase In Textbook Buyback Value At Duke Bookstore

DURHAM, NC—Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid what he’s worth, Cooper Flagg’s agent Austin…

News

Nation Can’t Believe It On Harvard’s Side
News

College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle

ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended…
American Voices

Kermit The Frog To Deliver University Of Maryland Commencement Speech

The University of Maryland announced that muppet Kermit the Frog will speak at its 2025 commencement ceremony, the iconic green frog having been created by…
American Voices

Harvard Announces Free Tuition For Families Making Under $200,000

Harvard announced that undergraduate tuition will be free for students of families who make annual incomes of $200,000 or less, a move intended to make…
Local

Teary-Eyed Student Loan Officers Proudly Watch As $200,000 Asset Graduates From College

ATLANTA—Unable to contain their emotion when they heard the account name called aloud by the college provost, a group of teary-eyed Sallie Mae student loan…
Local

Professor To Publish Book

“It will have pages,” Say Sources

Advertising

Advertising

In Other News