Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Vol 61: Issue 2

American Voices

Historic Wildfires Ravage Los Angeles

At least five fires across the Los Angeles area, including one in Hollywood Hills, scorched more than 45 square miles and put roughly 180,000 people…
Entertainment

Artist Profile: SZA

Singer-songwriter SZA has released Lana, the long-anticipated deluxe edition of her critically acclaimed 2022 album SOS. Here is what you need to know about the…
American Voices

First U.S. Bird Flu Death Reported

The first person to have a severe case of H5N1 bird flu in the United States has died, with the patient, who was over 65…
Local

Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One

LOCATION CLASSIFIED—Grumbling “Not this shit again” as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy “Sandman” Hawthorne confirmed…
News

Biden Wanders Into Flames
News

U.S. Mint Introduces New Controversial John Wilkes Booth Pennies

WASHINGTON—Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny…

American Voices

Meta To End Fact-Checking

Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the company is abandoning the use of independent fact checkers, replacing them with X-style “community notes” where commenting on the…
News

Jealous Trump Throws Own State Funeral To Upstage Carter’s

WASHINGTON—Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to…
News

Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that he regretted his actions given the devastation wrought by wildfires through much of the Los Angeles area, California Gov. Gavin Newsom apologized…
News

Nation Never Needed Pharrell To Show Up In Crazy Hat More Than It Does Right Now

WASHINGTON—Saying that the singer’s ridiculous fashion sense would be a balm in a difficult time, the nation’s distraught populace confirmed Thursday that it had never…
Politics

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Justin Trudeau

After nearly a decade as prime minister, Justin Trudeau announced his resignation this week. The Onion sat down with the outgoing Canadian leader to discuss…
Magazine

This Majestic Photo: Was It Worth The 6-Car Pileup We Caused To Get It?

Advertising

Advertising

In Other News