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Vol 61: Issue 2

American Voices

Justin Trudeau Resigns

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau resigned as polls indicated that his Liberal Party was set to be trounced by the opposition Conservative Party in the…
Basketball

Cooper Flagg Out 2 Weeks Due To Family Trip To Hilton Head

DURHAM, NC—Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two…
News

Japanese Fishermen Catch 600-Pound Can Of Tuna

TOKYO—Working for nearly eight hours to bring the record-setting catch aboard, a group of Japanese fishermen reportedly reeled in a 600-pound can of tuna Tuesday…
News

Kohler Recalls 30,000 Bathtubs Shipped With Nude Man Already Inside

KOHLER, WI—To address a situation the plumbing-fixture company described as embarrassing for everyone involved, Kohler issued a recall Tuesday of 30,000 bathtubs it had shipped…
News

Report: No, Really, TSA To Require Real ID This Year

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that Americans need to get their travel documents updated because the agency wasn’t messing around anymore, the TSA officials confirmed Monday that, no, really,…
Basketball

LeBron Pressures Bronny To Have Grandchildren Before He’s Too Old To Play With Them In NBA

LOS ANGELES—Reminding his son that he won’t be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren…

Local

Strength Training: Myth Vs. Fact

With the start of a new year, millions of Americans are honing in on their fitness goals and returning to the gym, including the weight…
Cartoons

Time Warp
Local

Report: Terrible Thing That Just Popped Into Your Head Would Make Loved Ones Turn On You Immediately

NEW YORK—According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds,…
News

Ecologists Call For Bee Extinction After Watching ‘My Girl’

STANFORD, CA—In response to seeing what the pollinators were capable of in the 1991 coming-of-age drama, ecologists at Stanford University issued a statement Monday calling…
American Voices

Man Sues Lottery After Losing Winning Ticket

A man is suing the California Lottery alleging that he has not received part of his winnings from a nearly $400 million Mega Millions jackpot…

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