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Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE

WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species…
Local

Woman Trying To Find Nonpolitical Way To Say Her Cleaner Was Deported

CHICAGO—Struggling to explain the recent development during a polite conversation at her neighbor’s house, local woman Sarah Walker reportedly tried Tuesday to find a nonpolitical…
Politics

DHS: ‘Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long’

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming the Trump administration’s promise to crack down on individuals providing supervision and instruction to youngsters across the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem…
News

ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs

CHICAGO—His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school…
News

ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same ‘Military Commando’ Halloween Costume
Local

Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She’s Still Free To Watch Kids Friday

CHICAGO—Hoping to lock down childcare so they could get out of the house for a fun date night this week, area parents Mitchell and Jessica…

News

Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers

The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out “Operation Midway Blitz” since early September. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the…
News

How To Join ICE

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump…
News

ICE Raids: Myth Vs. Fact

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations ramp up across the country, so has misinformation. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding ICE raids. MYTH: ICE agents…
News

ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began

WASHINGTON—Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been…
News

ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks

WASHINGTON—In response to legislation that would ban officers from obscuring their identities during arrests and raids, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Thursday that beneath…
News

Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago

Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the…

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