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Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon

VATICAN CITY—In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation…
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New Pope Declassifies Jesus Crucifixion Documents

VATICAN— In an effort to bring openness and transparency to his role as supreme pontiff, Pope Leo XIV vowed Friday that “the truth will finally…
American Voices

First American Pope Elected

Robert Francis Prevost, known now as Leo XIV, will be the 267th occupant of the throne of St. Peter, the first American to fill the…
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Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing

VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope…
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Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope
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Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’

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Catty Cardinal Can’t Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave

VATICAN CITY—Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Rubén Salazar Gómez confirmed Monday that he couldn’t…
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Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose

VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis…
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Timeline Of Pope Francis’ Life

Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his…
American Voices

Pope Francis Dead At 88

Pope Francis, the Catholic Church’s first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor,…
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Pope Francis’ Children Ask For Privacy Following Father’s Death

VATICAN CITY—Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis’ children issued a statement…
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Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated

VATICAN CITY—Saying he couldn’t help but think “I told you so” in the wake of the bishop of Rome’s death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence…

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