Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Vol 44: Issue 50

Politics

Bush Frustrated By Mother's Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House

WASHINGTON—With his departure from office only weeks away, President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he is “fed up” with the way his mother,…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers
Local

Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well

CATONSVILLE, MD—Tragedy failed to strike the small suburban town of Catonsville this week, when local resident and full-grown adult Michael Ennis fell down an abandoned…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot
Featurette, Local

145-Pound Mom

TLC
News

Cranberry Juice Industry Hoping 2009 A Big Year For Urinary Tract Infections

LAKEVILLE, MA—The nation’s leading cranberry juice producers announced Monday that they are banking on a record number of Americans suffering from urinary tract infections in…

Dispatch, News

Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon

CHARLOTTE, NC—During what was described to them as “a look-forward meeting to discuss and evaluate the company’s event-chain methodology,” MediaLine employees stood with mouths agape…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Saudi Arabia Extends Equal Rights To Bearded Ladies
Featurette, Local

Mrs. Dr.

CBS
Politics

McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter

SEDONA, AZ—After procrastinating for several hours by watching It’s A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain finally sat…
News

Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party

HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening sounds…
Sports

On Justice And O. J. Simpson:

“Looks like O. J. finally screwed up big time.” “He really never stood a chance, what with Johnnie Cochran dead and no immediately apparent rhyme…

Advertising

Advertising

In Other News