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Vol 46: Issue 48

Sports

About SportsDome

Broadcast live continuously throughout the OSN family of networks, SportsDome has been the Onion Sports Network’s signature program since the network’s launch. The show has…
Sports

Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder

INDIANAPOLIS—While sorting through his stacks of unwatched videotapes Friday, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly stumbled across a strange sort of game film in which two…
Sports

Pat Riley Glares At 1988 Bottle Of Hair Gel As He Mulls Return To Coaching

MIAMI—While toweling off in front of his vanity mirror Monday, Miami Heat team president Pat Riley stared longingly at a bottle of L’Oréal Studio Line…
Sports

Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige,…
Entertainment

Epic Burnouts

SPEED
Local

Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake

Sports

Chiefs Accidentally Win Again

SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by…
Local

Marriage Handled Amicably

DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle…
Local

What You Might Not Know About Self-Locking Nylon Cable Ties
American Voices, Opinion

Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in…
Politics

Pentagon To Withhold Budget Figures Out Of Respect For American Families

ARLINGTON, VA—Officials at the Pentagon announced Monday that they would no longer make the budget of the Defense Department public, explaining that the information would…
Sports

Coaches Thought BCS Computer Would At Least Make A Noise When Boise State Lost

INDIANAPOLIS—A number of college football coaches expressed disappointment last Friday following Boise State’s 34-31 loss to Nevada, saying they were disappointed to learn that the…

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