Dispatch

WASHINGTON—In a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service confirmed Thursday…

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to challenge traditionally held views about animals and their habitats, the San Diego Zoo announced this week the opening of a…

ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth and for each enemy…

LEXINGTON, VA—Upending generations of conventional wisdom about the nature of armed conflict, a new study published Tuesday has found that throughout history, most warfare has…

CLEVELAND—Saying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st century and beyond, city officials announced Monday that work…

WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing…

NEW YORK—Commending his healthy frame, impeccable lineage, and ability to form light and order from the primordial chaos, judges announced Thursday that Egyptian deity Ra…

AUSTIN, TX—In an investigation of the phenomenon’s tendency to occur during barroom brawls, a report published Thursday concluded that 83 percent of cases in which…

BANGOR, ME—Admitting their investigation was at a standstill, local law enforcement officials told reporters Wednesday they had enlisted the help of bestselling author Stephen King…

In the troubled, politically charged times in which our country finds itself, The Onion takes great pride in being the sole beacon of truth and…

VATICAN CITY—After months of failed attempts to coax their sole mating pair into conceiving, officials from the Vatican City Zoo admitted Wednesday that they were…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A trove of recently unearthed documents dating back to the sixth century B.C. has revealed that the ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras wrote…

NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking new study published Friday in The Journal Of East Asian Studies, a team of leading historians has proved that meditation originally…