Dispatch

CENTRAL VALLEY, NY—According to reports from across the country, millions of moms set out Saturday morning on a mass pilgrimage to the premium outlet center,…

PASADENA, CA—As part of ongoing preparations for a manned mission to the Red Planet, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that its autonomous…

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of…

WASHINGTON—In response to a decline in revenue from routes running between the two disparate planes of existence, Amtrak announced Friday that it plans to cancel…

WASHINGTON—Saying the method yields positive results almost immediately, a coalition of leading therapists said Thursday that most of the personal issues people experience could be…

WOODLAWN, MD—Arriving en masse to the Pacific island nation after fleeing under the cover of night, 76 million baby boomers reportedly escaped to Fiji on…

WASHINGTON—Drawing on a trove of letters, diaries, and itemized receipts recently donated by private collectors, historians from Georgetown University published new evidence on Wednesday of…

‘He’ll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,’ Say Concerned Heavenly Sources

PASADENA, CA—In hopes of better understanding a phenomenon that has vexed researchers for decades, hundreds of theoretical scientists have assembled at the California Institute of…

VATICAN CITY—Praising the district’s vast selection of inexpensive goods and its vendors’ willingness to negotiate prices, Pope Francis reportedly spent Thursday afternoon strolling through Vatican…

PASADENA, CA—In the latest troubling update from the multi-year survey mission, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory received another set of depressing photos from the…

‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens

DALLAS—In a bold move marking its first foray into the luxury market, restaurant and video arcade chain Dave & Buster’s announced Thursday the opening of…