Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Vol 32: Issue 17

Dispatch, News

New York To Install Special 'Infants Only' Dumpsters

NEW YORK—As part of his ongoing campaign to revitalize New York City’s public image through a citywide clean-up effort, mayor Rudolph Giuliani announced Monday the…
Dispatch, News

British Government Releases Scandalous Benny Hill Tapes

LONDON—Calling for “a new, more open era in British rule” and citing the need for “a time of healing for past transgressions,” prime minister Tony…
Entertainment

CBS Picks Up NBC Nightly News

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster its flagging ratings, CBS announced Monday that it has picked up the longrunning NBC program NBC Nightly News. CBS—which…
Local

Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

MANHATTAN, KS—In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Bart Peintner made a vociferous appeal to Lord…
News

Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an emergency measure Monday, California Gov. Pete Wilson ordered two dozen Northern California coastal communities evacuated following the appearance of an enormous Grace…
News

Former President Carter Sole Attendee At 1997 Solar Power Summit

ATLANTA—The 1997 Solar Power Summit got off to an auspicious start Saturday, with a star-studded celebrity panel featuring such luminary as former U.S. president Jimmy…

Entertainment

Lindsay Wagner To Star In Anything Offered Her
News, News In Photos

Nature Films: Do They Glamorize Molting?
Commentary, Opinion

This Column Is A 'Re-run'

Doc McGillicuddy ordered me not to write my column this week because I am just getting over a bout of the pleurisy, and I need…
News, News In Photos

Jogging-Suit Shortage Threatens Nation's Seniors
Commentary, Opinion

I'm Mad About Mad About You!

Item! By now, the whole nation knows that televisionland’s favorite couple, Paul and Jamie Buchman of Mad About You, has finally had its long-dreamed-of baby.…
Dispatch, News

Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade

LOS ANGELES—Ever since he was hired by Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs Marketing Group two years ago, Sean Gordimer has been striving to impress the company’s…

Advertising

Advertising

In Other News