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Alcohol

Local

Hometown Unveils Disappointing Microbrewery

BOERNE, TX—Providing an underwhelming new dining option for those returning to visit family in the area, people who grew up in a small Texas suburb…
Politics

Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security

WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were…
Local

Sober October Ends As Deer Realizes Apple He Just Ate Fermented

SPENCER, TN—Frustrated at breaking a three-week streak of alcohol abstinence, a white-tailed deer expressed annoyance Monday upon realizing he could not complete his goal of…
News

Pete Hegseth Buys Bar Round Of F-22 Fighter Jets

WASHINGTON—Attempting to garner camaraderie from a group of regulars at his local watering hole, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth loudly announced Monday that he would be…
Football, Sports

Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to…
Local

Post Pretty Sanctimonious For Mere Month Of Sobriety

TOLEDO, OH—In response to the holier-than-thou message on their social media feeds, sources reported Friday that a post by local man Jim Boisvert was pretty…

American Voices

U.S. Alcohol Consumption Falls To Record Low

A new Gallup poll found that only 54% of U.S. adults report drinking alcohol, a record low as growing health concerns and skepticism about moderate…
American Voices

High Noon Recalls Vodka Seltzers Mislabeled As Celsius

Certain 12-packs of Celsius energy drinks have been recalled after a packaging error led them to contain High Noon vodka seltzer instead, posing a risk…
Local

Man Cuts Back From 6 Normal Beers Per Day To 3 Huge Ones

BRAINERD, MN—Admitting that it was finally time to grow up and start making healthy life choices, local man Russell McGrath told reporters Monday that he…
News

DEA Classifies Red Wine As Schedule I Drug To Spite Ex-Wife

SPRINGFIELD, VA—In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the “total fucking bitch” who uses it, the acting head of…
Local

Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen…
Local

Oversized Leprechaun Hat Left At Home On St. Patrick’s Day To Avoid Damaging It

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at…

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