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Vol 61: Issue 26

American Voices

North Korea Opens Beach Resort

North Korea is opening a beach resort that its leader Kim Jong-Un hopes will boost tourism in the secretive communist regime. What do you think?
Entertainment

Driving Surges In Popularity Thanks To ‘F1’ Film

LOS ANGELES—Coinciding with a spike in interest in cars and moving fast, a trend report published Friday by Edmunds Research confirmed that driving was surging…
American Voices

Over 100 People Jabbed With Syringes At French Music Festival

Nearly 150 people were jabbed with syringes during a street music festival in France, with authorities having arrested at least 12 suspects. What do you…
Magazine

Zohran Mamdani: Some New Yorkers Say They Can Imagine Him With A Big Cape And Devil Horns
News

Pros And Cons Of Banning Fireworks

Millions of Americans will celebrate Independence Day with fireworks this year, though the legality of the explosives varies throughout the country. The Onion examines the…
Local

Civil War Reenactor Reminded This Not His Personal Fife Recital

GETTYSBURG, PA—Following a fourth chorus of “Kingdom Coming,” fellow participants sternly reminded local Civil War reenactor Christopher Geary that this was not his personal fife…

Local

Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would…
News

RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight

WASHINGTON—Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines…
American Voices

Cobra Kai Actor Accused Of Biting Co-Star

Karate Kid actor and Cobra Kai star Martin Kove was asked to leave a fan convention after biting co-star Alicia Hannah-Kim so hard during a…
Local

Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Massaging their stiff shoulders and necks while remarking that they wish they’d known how good they had it when they were your age,…
News

Diddy Lawyer Tosses Jury Cîroc Swag During Closing Statement

NEW YORK—Shaking a logo-emblazoned cap enticingly over his head, a defense attorney for Sean “Diddy” Combs’ reportedly tossed jurors Cîroc-branded swag during closing statements Thursday…
Entertainment

What To Know About ‘Love Island USA’

Love Island USA is in the midst of its seventh season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the reality dating series. Q:…

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