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Vol 61: Issue 31

American Voices

High Noon Recalls Vodka Seltzers Mislabeled As Celsius

Certain 12-packs of Celsius energy drinks have been recalled after a packaging error led them to contain High Noon vodka seltzer instead, posing a risk…
Entertainment

Everything We Know About ‘The Devil Wears Prada 2’ So Far

Photos of Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep on the set of The Devil Wears Prada 2 have been circulating online, galvanizing fans of the beloved…
Local

Wedding Vows A Damning Chronicle Of How Much Bride Changed Herself For Groom

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Raising their eyebrows at the bride’s assertion that she was “adventurous,” wedding guests of Tatiana Hines and Felix Byrne confirmed Friday that the…
Local

Doctor With Positive Attitude Learns Something New From Every Malpractice Suit

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Maintaining that mistakes were simply life lessons in disguise, upbeat general surgeon Ezra Weber told reporters Friday that he views every malpractice suit as…
Entertainment

Orlando Bloom Spotted At Dinner With Angela Merkel

BERLIN—Just weeks after announcing his split with fiancée Katy Perry, English actor Orlando Bloom was photographed Friday dining with former German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “Angela…
American Voices

Study Finds Federal Food Assistance Slows Cognitive Decline

A National Institutes of Health-funded study found that older adults who participated in SNAP showed a slower rate of cognitive decline than people who were…

News

Oreo And Reese’s Team Up To Sicken Dogs

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Unveiling a much-anticipated collaboration they said fans have long been waiting for, the makers of Oreo and Reese’s announced Thursday that the two…
News

How Aid Is Distributed In Gaza

The U.N., Doctors Without Borders, and other humanitarian groups are sounding the alarm on mass starvation throughout Gaza. The Onion takes a look at how…
Cartoons

Eternal Wrestle
Politics

Trump Sues Safeway Circular For False Ham Claims

WASHINGTON—In an escalation of his ongoing feud with the press, White House sources confirmed this week that President Donald Trump was suing the Safeway circular…
News

CDC Recommends Eating A Nice Crisp Shiny Apple Instead Of Having Unprotected Sex

ATLANTA—Claiming that the experience could provide as much satisfaction as unsafe sex, a new report released by the Centers for Disease Control this week recommends…
Magazine

Pedro Pascal: Ooooh Wanna Kiss Kiss Kiss! Mwah Mwah! Smoochie Smoochie!

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