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Pete Hegseth

Politics

Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator

ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to…
Politics

Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague
Politics

Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security

WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were…
Politics

Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—Whistling and cheerfully pumping his arms as he strolled through the corridors of the U.S. military’s headquarters, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly walked…
American Voices

Pete Hegseth Rails Against Fat Generals

Pete Hegseth sharply condemned “fat generals” at a military gathering, ordering all officers to meet stricter fitness standards. What do you think?
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U.S. Generals Have Bad Feeling About Dog The Bounty Hunter Taking Stage

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Hungover Hegseth Struggling To Remember How He Ended Up In Room Full Of Generals

QUANTICO, VA—Racking his brain for answers as he gazed out at the high-ranking officers gathered before him, a visibly hungover Pete Hegseth reportedly struggled Tuesday…
News

Pete Hegseth Buys Bar Round Of F-22 Fighter Jets

WASHINGTON—Attempting to garner camaraderie from a group of regulars at his local watering hole, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth loudly announced Monday that he would be…
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Pete Hegseth Wondering Whether Uranium Would Be A Good Mixer

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly contemplative as he fantasized about a stiff drink after a long day at work, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly wondered Monday whether uranium…
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Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to…
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Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’

WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state…
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Highway Patrol Officer Asks Pete Hegseth To Carry Out Drone Strikes In Straight Line

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to…

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